As you are all positively fabulous, it seems a dreadful shame that you would have to read those dreary and dry newspaper horoscopes to lean your fate. After all, who cares what's in the stars? You, dear ones, ARE the stars! Therefore, by request, I present to you, Miss Billy"s Monthly Horoscopes For The Fabulous. Enjoy!
CANCER (June 22 to July 22) Horror turns to happiness when that set of missing dentures you find on the bus leads you to your soul mate. Try a bunion regulator to put an end to that agonizing foot pain.
LEO (July 23 to August 23) You are shocked and angered when a quick check of your neighbor’s pantry reveals the location of your missing Tupperware lids. Try a dash of Tabasco to liven up that ho-hum deviled egg recipe.
VIRGO (August 24 to September 22) You are tickled pink when you find a valuable cents-off coupon in your neighbor’s mailbox. Co-workers are agog at your profound ability to coordinate autumn colors.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 23) You squeal with joy upon learning the object of your affections shares your love for oldies radio. Poo-poo those late night chip and dip binges if you plan on wearing that fabulous new thong.
SCORPIO (October 24 to November 22) You suddenly find yourself overwhelmed with the desire to have your eyebrow pierced, but change your mind and buy that festive croquet set instead. Acquaintances secretly marvel over the secret of your minty fresh breath.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21) You find yourself angered and confused when you find a man’s toupee in the backseat of your mate’s vehicle. Nix those bulky briefs when strutting your sexy new hot-pants.
CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 20) Jealous tongues wag when your potato salad takes first prize at the annual lodge barbecue. An elderly cab driver asks your advice on lactose intolerance.
AQUARIUS (January 21 to February 18) You become miffed when well-meaning neighbors and a Kitty Carlyle look-a-like give you unwanted financial advice. The office gang just can’t stop talking about your versatility with rubber.
PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You become a bit baffled when a croupier asks you to hold his stick. Try experimenting with various lunch meat condiments to add zing to your potluck supper offerings.
ARIES (March 21 to April 20) A full-figured woman with acrylic nails points you in the direction of true passion this coming season. Your crock-pot creations are all the rage among the A-listers of your set.
TAURUS (April 21 to May 21) You chortle with glee when a one-eyed slot attendant reveals her secret for silky smooth elbows and knees. Friends and relatives secretly envy your spotless stemware.
GEMINI (May 22 to June 21) Finances improve when you check the seat cushions of a relative’s sofa at an upcoming family gathering. A spritz of medicated powder should clear up that pesky rash in no time.
Until next time,
Stay Fabulous!
Miss Billy xoxoxoxo
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